Saturday, May 21, 2011

Rapture Aftermath

I was just awoken by the sound of a car pulling into the driveway and guess who it was?  That's right...It was my borders, the Groves.  They can back with a horrible temper, and I can only imagine that it was due to the lack of a rapture.  Mr. Grove sent his exhausted son to bed and climbed the stairs, tucking his incredibly flaccid looking sexual organ in shame after taking a well deserved scolding from his very attractive wife.  Logically, I did the only thing a person of my character would do...stab the family repeatedly until they stopped moving and poured myself a cup of chamomile tea.  I now have this cup of tea (sweetened with the blood of a little boy) and am about to take it to bed, as I am sure most if not all you will be doing yourselves.  Let this be a lesson to you...If someone comes to you with the prophesy or prediction of the second coming of Jesus Christ, just walk away and forget the conversation ever happened.

~Uncle J.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Great Rapture Meme: My Retrospect On The May 21st, 2011 Prophesy

My little brother Timothy didn't need a Rapture to come back
Last night I was awoken by the horrible yelling of my current Borders, The Grove Family of Burbank, CA. (Just a quick note, I am residing in their closet). In the midst of their inane squabbling, I heard a few words being thrown around that really do not belong in a family squabble; “Rapture” “Armageddon” and “May 21st”

With curious eyes, I watched the Grove family through the crack of the door under the stairs awkwardly scramble their things together, grab their son and rush out the front door. I heard their car pull out the driveway, leaving me alone to ponder this mysterious (albeit amusing) scenario. Logically, with no answers at my disposal, I turned to the Internet to solve this confusing conundrum.

The Modern Noah
What I found took me on a surprisingly diverse roller coaster ride of enigmatic thought. Mr. Harold Camping, the author of the book 1994? (The book in which he predicts the rapture) has studied the bible for roughly five decades and finally cracked the correct code to determine the (new) precise date and time of the end of the world, and that is May 21st, 2011 at 6 pm. At this precise time, a massive earthquake will literally shoot the dead out of the ground and bring the deceased back to the world of the living. Billions of people all over the planet will die a slow and horrible death only to end up rotting in the pits of hell as the truest of true believers ascend to line up along the heavenly gates.
My first thought as I read this giggle inducing tripe was that of an old acquaintance of mine, Edgar C. Whisenant, whose book “88 Reasons” explained how the rapture was to take place some time between September 11th – 16th during the year 1988. His adamant stance on the subject came off to millions as both passionate and sincere for he claimed that the only way for his prophesy to be false would be if the bible were false as well. When his prophesy did not come true, he continued to adjust the date of the rapture through the 1990’s, until his death in 2000.

As you can imagine, all this reminiscing brought me back to another memory of an even older friend. My friend Edgar Cayce, a “psychic” who once told me (I think it was back in the late 30’s early 40’s) that the end of the world would happen at some point in 1998. He told me of the great Sphinx in Egypt and how it’s right paw was the location of a hidden hall of records for the ancient civilization of Atlantis. The discovery of this hall would take place soon before the beginning of a great apocalyptic battle that would take place in the spirit realm over the period of one thousand years our time. He also mentioned that the Earth’s poles would shift in 1998, causing the beginning of the end for this planet.

Finally, my mind took me back to the 80’s, where I recalled watching another good friend of mine, Billy Murray, perform a scene in his fairly decent hit sequel Ghostbusters II. Bill’s character interviews two false prophets about their beliefs on when the world would come to an end. As to be expected, both have completely different answers. However, even though one of these two psychics is close on his prediction, he still ends up being wrong (for those of you who haven’t seen the movie...just do it).

These two particular “prophets” are not the only individuals to have predicted/calculated the end of the world. I can’t honestly say how many have made the claim of knowing the year, date and time of the rapture, but I can assure you it’s a high number. I suppose I am not a good individual to be taking council from regarding this topic (after all, I am not a creature of God or the Devil and have no stake in the end of the world). But I can assure you as this sacrificial kitten I hold in my hand lives and breathes that all those individuals who have given up every last cent of their life savings to purchase advertisement billboards to warn people of the rapture date will be kicking themselves in the face the moment their designated 11th hour has passed.

I'm not kidding.  People have given up their life savings to fund these
Now I like a good laugh just as much as the next psychotic abomination, and I found an amusing little tidbit I’d like to share with you all. A group called the Seattle Atheists has gathered a fairly decent lump sum of money to use for after the rapture as a relief fund to all survivors of the supposed devastating earthquake. However, if by some odd happenstance the prophesied rapture does not happen, they have promised to donate the money to an organization called Camp Quest, which teaches young children about the importance of science and critical thinking. This made my belly jiggle in delight (or perhaps it was the neighbor’s dog still digesting in my intestines...either way, my insides rumbled). What better way to say, “You are just plain unintelligible and your ideas are wrong” than to raise hundreds of dollars to teach kids to avoid you and your silly prophesies? Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t a direct bash at faith. I myself am a devout follow of the great Beelze-Bathtub and have much faith in the great ideals of cleanliness next to godliness. In fact, many of my fellow fiends all have their own personal religious beliefs. But I am authentically impressed with the Seattle Atheists for taking something they found to be inappropriate and creating a constructive retaliation plan to fight it and prevent such a thing from happening again. It’s not too late. If you’d like to donate (and I’d suggest you do it quickly!) You can go to their site here and help the relief.

I also stumbled upon a facebook event entitled the Post Rapture Looting party, in which the survivors of the rapture plan on pillaging the local stores and houses of the recently raptured individuals. Hey, if you’re going to go to Hell, you might as well do it in a La-Z-Boy recliner with an electric Gibson Guitar in your hand and the amp cranked up to 11 and an HD flat screen TV in your living room. Wanna be a part of it? You can find the group here. They’re already up to 427,014 attendees (as I post this current blog).

So if the world were to end, how would you spend your last day? For me, it really wouldn’t make a difference. I’d do what I do everyday; kill my borders (the Groves) in some horribly brutal fashion and get my Voodoo Priest friend to raise them from the dead (That way I don’t need to pay rent for this beautiful house). Some would say live life to the fullest, but that’s the great part about being a monster, that’s our job. If you don’t believe me, watch the movie Little Monsters starring Fred Savage and Howie Mandel. Sure it’s a poorly written piece of schlock, and sure it comes off as a pedophile’s wet dream, and sure the monsters in the movie only pull juvenile pranks and the monsters (like me) in real life kill people and eat large animals, but the basic idea is sort of kind of correct. Ok, not really, but we enjoy what we do as much as the movie tried to make us believe those monsters did. Either way, sit tight and watch the fireworks on May 21st, 2011 as we celebrate not the end of the world, but the complete double face palm failure of a prophesy that is slightly more credible than the reputation of the fame monster herself, Lady GaGa.


Ziggy Stardust is rolling in his grave...or he will be when I get to him

* I've been informed of these two wonderful websites that I simply had to update you all on.

There is a supposed "Pet Watching Service" a group of Atheists are creating for those who wish to ascend but are worried about the horrible fate of their precious pets.  Good thing I'm not a member.  I'd just eat them.  Check it out here.

A giant counter billboard has been built in the Bay Area that will count down to the rapture, and will make an official announcement for a Post Rapture Party held in the West Coast, where various prominent Atheists speakers will be attending.  You can read about it here.

A special thanks to Mr. Aaron Gray, my very loyal reader, for finding this information for me.

And finally, a very special reminder to all of you who think Big Bad Jeffrey Macabre is a mean ol' atheist who hates religion.  Like I said, not so.  I am simply playing the part of a mildly opinionated journalist.  All Hail Beelze-Bathtub.

Friday, May 13, 2011

War of the Worlds Retrospective and Parody

For those of you unfamiliar with H.G. Wells and his work, I suggest you begin familiarizing yourself immediately with such literary classics as The Time Machine, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and most notably, War of the Worlds.   War of the Worlds is my personal favorite* of Well’s literature.

*Ok fine, War of the Worlds is my second favorite just behind The Island of Dr. Moreau…I have a soft spot for mad scientist “furries” (I think that’s the meme…) hell bent on conducting experiments that society chooses to deem as “unnatural”.  I myself have taken the time to borrow my current border’s cat, Cubby, and turn him into an unspeakable abomination.  I still haven’t managed to clean that mysterious viscous excrement off of the walls.  But I digress.  (Pictures to come).

Interestingly enough, War of the Worlds appears to be the World’s favorite of Well’s literature, seeing as it has been adapted, parodied, referenced and sequelized more times than anyone can really count (including unreleased fan boy parodies/homages).  Probably the most famous adaptation of this classic piece is the October 30th, 1938 American radio broadcast, directed and narrated by Hollywood personality Orson Welles.  This broadcast was a special Halloween episode to an ongoing radio show and aired as a series of News Bulletins to create the illusion that the Martian invasion was actually happening.  The broadcast was especially frightening, since the script was written as a modern day adaptation of the literary classic.  As expected, this famous broadcast triggered a journalistic uproar, with many newspapers and reporters slamming the episode for its frightening deception.  Adolf Hitler himself cited the broadcast and the following hysteria as evidence of the supposed degradation and perversion of Democracy as a system of government.  Today, the broadcast carries with it connotations of horror, as the reported hysteria varies in levels of intensity, depending on how much stock you put into the reports of the local newspapers at the time.  I recall the incident as being particularly amusing, but I never got a good look at the public’s reaction myself; I was a tad distracted that year (I was residing then in the closet of Hollywood Actor Owen Moore.  He’d get the most adorable frill on his eyebrows every time I woke him up by throwing Dixie cups at his face.  The poor man really needed to check his blood pressure more often.  He would get so mad).  

Pot to kettle...pot to kettle...come in're black
Anyway, the other day my good ghoul friend Voodoo Roberre (not “girl friend” you perverts.  I’m not the crypt keeper.  I don’t make puns) forwarded me a splendid little parody of the 1938 broadcast.  Like Welles' adaptation it modernizes the alien invasion, leaving us with a very reminiscent ending to the infamous film Dr. Strangelove.  Something else worthy of note, the recording pokes a great deal of fun at the unfortunate drinking habits of the late Orson Welles during his biter twilight years.  I don’t know if any of you have seen those classic recordings of the esteemed and inebriated Mr. Welles awkwardly slurring his speech on the set of the commercials for the now defunct Paul Masson Champagne, but if you haven’t they are a scream.  Allow me to forward the link to you here

Voodoo Roberre
This parody is worth a listen.  It was written and directed by a Mr. Aaron Gray as a school project for his audio class.  It stars Aaron himself, a lovely up and coming voice actress Nique Rose and someone else playing the part of Orson who I wasn’t able to get the name of (I apologize to you sir).  I encourage any and every one of you who like such topics to take a listen.  

You can find the recording on Soundcloud here.  Orson Welles would be proud.

Special thanks to Dr. Macro for his cordialness of my theft of his image.    

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Monsters Crash The Pajama Party

Good Midnight to You.

Being a psychotic monster, I love a good scare.  Also, being an unholy abomination that has walked the earth for hundreds of years, I love things that are nostalgic.  Believe me when I say that living as long as I have, there is much to be nostalgic about.  However I am not a sentimental creature, so it would have to take something special for me to start pining over the good old days.  Nonetheless, Monsters Crash the Pajama Party does a splendid job capturing the feel of my 20th Century nostalgia.  The movie is an example of the types of flicks people would feature at the old spook shows in the 1960’s, but it was shot and edited to incorporate a live interactive performance during the screening.  Various horror themed illusions were also performed, including decapitated head levitations, apparition manifestations, staged eviscerations and various other depictions of monstrous carnality (yes…mammarys were involved as well.  But it was tasteful).  The end result was a fantastic mix of a David Copperfield stage show, a William Castle film, and a deadly romp through Frankenstein’s Laboratory.   To tell you the truth, I never understood why such performances ever became so extinct.  Sure, you may find an obscure theatre company that gets their hands on an old public domain film and choreographs a fun interactive performance, but such things are fairly rare in this day and age (unless you wish to go to an Alice Cooper concert, but even those don’t really capture the essence of the Spook Shows of days of old).

Am I supposed to make a joke about this picture?  
Because I don't think there's much to say.

This DVD is pumped with special features.  In fact, I’m pretty sure anyone who bought it did so just to watch them.  The total runtime for the title film is approximately 31 minutes and feels stripped (but is totally worth watching with both the commentaries).  But this is to be expected because without a fully propped, paid and costumed interactive cast, the film is only a portion of a much bigger show.   The film is about a group of thrill seeking “teenagers” who have taken refuge in an old (not so) abandoned mansion in hopes of getting laid…I mean, having a fun filled night of fright and adventure.  I can’t say I blame them, as I tend to get my kicks by breaking into people’s houses at night myself.  However, I do so to sketch the sleeping inhabitants and frame the drawings on my bathroom wall.  Little do our sleepover party princesses know that the house is actually inhabited by a mad scientist, a ghoulish young woman and a cheeky bumbling fool of a gorilla .  The film becomes particularly zany as the mad scientist kidnaps the girls to turn them all into gorillas (because…).  As the girls are rounded up, their boyfriends run off to collect dollar store Halloween costumes to frighten them, completely oblivious to the kidnappings.  Somewhere towards the end of the movie, a giant laser cannon blasts a hole through the screen, and this is where the real fun is supposed to begin.  In a true live spook show presentation, this would be the part where costumed creeps step through the screen and attack the audience members, collecting them for the Doctor’s insane experiments (they'd all be actors, of course). 

I know this all sounds silly and the production values are very poor, but this was clearly intentional.  Everything about this film screams camp.  If you’ve never had the whole Spook Show experience firsthand, you can only use your imaginations to comprehend the entertainment value of the true live performance.  Thankfully the producers of this DVD have worked pretty hard to give you a simulated experience.  The menu screens are all interactive, filled with Easter Eggs and video clips of obscure films and home movies.  There is even another film tucked away in the recesses of the menus (a supernatural thriller called Tormented).  The inside sleeve is actually a short bio on the Spook Show circuit, lovingly written by Jim “The Mad Doctor” Ridenour.  There are also two old-fashioned 3D glasses provided for you to enjoy one of the Easter Egged segments with.   

Though I do love this DVD, it leaves much to desire.  The content is mostly a lot of fluff and I wish there were more films to watch; Spook Show related or otherwise.  I also wish there was a little more information about where the mysterious Easter Egged segments came from.  I suppose it really does not matter.  It’s a great experience to watch and I would highly recommend purchasing it at your local DVD store.  Though I understand that most stores probably would not hold it (being so obscure), you can purchase the DVD for $9.95 at the Something Weird Video website, here.

Part of the fun of this DVD is finding the hidden Easter Eggs yourself through persistent exploration (though I suppose it isn’t all that hard of an excursion).  But if you just don’t care for treasure hunting, or are looking for a particular segment and don’t have much time to sift through Easter Eggs, I have taken the liberty of typing up a cheat sheet for you in order to get the full experience without missing anything. 

The very beginning is a really nifty spiral, which actually does mess with my visual perception if I stare into it for a while.  Some kooky narration plays over the spiral, warning us that we are about to become transported into the “dark sepultures of this mysterious night”.


We begin immediately after being hypnotized; dropped into a cartoony graveyard in the middle of the night.

-By clicking the owl, we begin the title film, Monsters Crash the Pajama Party.  A narration opens the film delivered by the Mad Doctor.  He breaks the 4th wall, warning the audience that we must remain in our seats, despite the horrific things that may commence during the screening of the film. 

-The large tombstone offers us two commentary tracks.  One narrated by Harry “Dr. Jekyl” Wise and the other by Philip “Dr. Evil” Morris.

-By clicking the small tombstone to the right a slideshow begins of horror movie flyers while radio spots for horror shows of the decade play throughout.  (19:34)

-The third tombstone to the right brings you to a new menu.
~Successful Spooking in 10 Easy Lessons is a step by step manual to creating your own interactive Spook Show illusions.  You can navigate through the pages using your DVD remote.
~The Man Buried Alive teaches how to promote a specific spook show act, where you bury a man alive.  It helps you with your level of theatricality and your ability to promote yourself.
~Girl Frozen Alive teaches the same lesson learned in The Man Buried Alive, but for a different publicity stunt.

-By clicking the sky in the top right corner, a ghost appears.  You are taken to a short video of spooky faces and masks from decades past to horrific organ music.  (1:12)

-By clicking the treetops, a bat that appears.  You see a video clip of a man in a gorilla suit grimacing at the camera. (0:18)

-By clicking the bottom left hand corner of the screen, an arrow appears.  It takes you to a new DVD Menu.


We are still in the graveyard, but are now facing a crooked old house with windows like eyes, and a front door like a gaping mouth.  The moon rises high in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

-By clicking the bottom right hand corner of the screen, an arrow appears.  It takes you back to the 1st DVD Menu.

-Clicking in the top right hand corner of the screen, in the moon, a flash of lightning appears and a PSA for Free Television plays. (0:52)

-Clicking the front door of the house will take you inside, and the 3rd DVD menu screen.

-By clicking the bottom left hand corner of the screen, an arrow appears.  It takes you to the 4th DVD Menu.


We are inside the threshold of the crooked house.  A black silhouette hangs by its neck in the right hand corner of the screen.  A bat dangles next to a lamp hanging from the ceiling.  A black cat sits in the doorway to the living room and a skull hangs menacingly from the wall.

-By clicking the face of the hanging man, you see a series of music videos made by “Horror Home Productions" set to original music by the Dead Elvi.  The music videos are all homemade micro budget scenes of famous golden age horror monsters, such as the Vampire from London After Midnight, The Mummy and Mr. Hyde. There is also some home movie footage of suburban Halloween decorations from the 1950’s. (16:20)

-By clicking the Hangman’s feet, a creepy hand pops up and a quick clip from the movie Tormented plays. (0:04)

-By clicking the Bat, a 3-D homemade video plays.  It’s time to pull out those glasses! (6:22)

Ok, let me get this out in the open.  Crappy 3-d does work, ok?  It might look like shit, but putting on those 3-D glasses does create the illusion of a third dimension.  If you really want it to work though, watch it in the dark, not in the light.  Otherwise, you might not get the desired effect

-By clicking the cat, a few old music videos play.  One is of the Brian Sisters, singing the Boogie Woogieman.  Witchy silhouettes and grinning pumpkins surround the three girls as they huddle together to sing.  The next song is the Delta Rhythm Boys performing Them Bones.  The video is of the singers performing the song in a room standing around a piano as a dancing skeleton harasses a janitor outside.  The last song is a rare recording of Anita O’Day singing The Walls Keep Talking.  The video is of a black couple entering a haunted house, then bolting the moment they realize the place is swarming with ghosts. (7:58)

-By clicking the skull, you get the delight of watching a PSA about fear, called “Don’t Be Afraid”.  It teaches you the basics of fear, how and why the natural stimulus is caused and what the human body goes through while experiencing it.  It’s aimed for kids in the 1950’s so it’s not as fascinating as it sounds.  (11:19)

-By clicking the bottom left hand corner of the screen, an arrow appears.  It takes you back to the 2nd DVD Menu


You enter a mausoleum.  Once inside, you see a corpse lying in a coffin with a bat flying above.  A cartoon figure with a Jack-O-Lantern for a head tries to scamper up the stairs, back outside.  There is a giant face of a woman screaming on the right hand side of the screen. 

-By clicking on the pumpkinhead figure a clip plays of a man struggling through a spider web with a woman mouthing words of warning, and shape shifting into various monsters.  The man touches the woman’s face, and blood pours out of her skin as he makes contact.  If anyone knows where this clip is from, please let me know in the comments.  (3:38)

-By clicking on the eyeball of the face a video plays of a werewolf encounter at a drive-In. (3:26)

-By clicking on the bat, the film Tormented by Bert I. Gordon plays.  It’s a 1960’s supernatural horror movie. (01:15:00)

-By clicking under the coffin, a skeleton appears and another clip from the mysterious movie plays.  The man is harassed by the woman (who appears to be supernatural).  (:12)

-By clicking on the head of the corpse, a clip plays.  We see through the perspective of a customer riding through an old-fashioned spook house, with a woman screaming in reaction to the monsters attacking the camera.  (1:09)

-By clicking under the coffin, a spider appears and a list of credits for the music and some of the Easter Eggs pops up. 

-By clicking next to the head of the corpse, a candle appears and a slideshow of spooky pictures begins with an audio recording that says “girls, do not come alone, bring your boyfriend to protect you when the lights go out”.  (0:05)

-By clicking next to the pumpkinhead cartoon, an arrow appears that takes you back to the 2rd DVD menu.