Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Great Rapture Meme: My Retrospect On The May 21st, 2011 Prophesy

My little brother Timothy didn't need a Rapture to come back
Last night I was awoken by the horrible yelling of my current Borders, The Grove Family of Burbank, CA. (Just a quick note, I am residing in their closet). In the midst of their inane squabbling, I heard a few words being thrown around that really do not belong in a family squabble; “Rapture” “Armageddon” and “May 21st”

With curious eyes, I watched the Grove family through the crack of the door under the stairs awkwardly scramble their things together, grab their son and rush out the front door. I heard their car pull out the driveway, leaving me alone to ponder this mysterious (albeit amusing) scenario. Logically, with no answers at my disposal, I turned to the Internet to solve this confusing conundrum.

The Modern Noah
What I found took me on a surprisingly diverse roller coaster ride of enigmatic thought. Mr. Harold Camping, the author of the book 1994? (The book in which he predicts the rapture) has studied the bible for roughly five decades and finally cracked the correct code to determine the (new) precise date and time of the end of the world, and that is May 21st, 2011 at 6 pm. At this precise time, a massive earthquake will literally shoot the dead out of the ground and bring the deceased back to the world of the living. Billions of people all over the planet will die a slow and horrible death only to end up rotting in the pits of hell as the truest of true believers ascend to line up along the heavenly gates.
My first thought as I read this giggle inducing tripe was that of an old acquaintance of mine, Edgar C. Whisenant, whose book “88 Reasons” explained how the rapture was to take place some time between September 11th – 16th during the year 1988. His adamant stance on the subject came off to millions as both passionate and sincere for he claimed that the only way for his prophesy to be false would be if the bible were false as well. When his prophesy did not come true, he continued to adjust the date of the rapture through the 1990’s, until his death in 2000.

As you can imagine, all this reminiscing brought me back to another memory of an even older friend. My friend Edgar Cayce, a “psychic” who once told me (I think it was back in the late 30’s early 40’s) that the end of the world would happen at some point in 1998. He told me of the great Sphinx in Egypt and how it’s right paw was the location of a hidden hall of records for the ancient civilization of Atlantis. The discovery of this hall would take place soon before the beginning of a great apocalyptic battle that would take place in the spirit realm over the period of one thousand years our time. He also mentioned that the Earth’s poles would shift in 1998, causing the beginning of the end for this planet.

Finally, my mind took me back to the 80’s, where I recalled watching another good friend of mine, Billy Murray, perform a scene in his fairly decent hit sequel Ghostbusters II. Bill’s character interviews two false prophets about their beliefs on when the world would come to an end. As to be expected, both have completely different answers. However, even though one of these two psychics is close on his prediction, he still ends up being wrong (for those of you who haven’t seen the movie...just do it).

These two particular “prophets” are not the only individuals to have predicted/calculated the end of the world. I can’t honestly say how many have made the claim of knowing the year, date and time of the rapture, but I can assure you it’s a high number. I suppose I am not a good individual to be taking council from regarding this topic (after all, I am not a creature of God or the Devil and have no stake in the end of the world). But I can assure you as this sacrificial kitten I hold in my hand lives and breathes that all those individuals who have given up every last cent of their life savings to purchase advertisement billboards to warn people of the rapture date will be kicking themselves in the face the moment their designated 11th hour has passed.

I'm not kidding.  People have given up their life savings to fund these
Now I like a good laugh just as much as the next psychotic abomination, and I found an amusing little tidbit I’d like to share with you all. A group called the Seattle Atheists has gathered a fairly decent lump sum of money to use for after the rapture as a relief fund to all survivors of the supposed devastating earthquake. However, if by some odd happenstance the prophesied rapture does not happen, they have promised to donate the money to an organization called Camp Quest, which teaches young children about the importance of science and critical thinking. This made my belly jiggle in delight (or perhaps it was the neighbor’s dog still digesting in my intestines...either way, my insides rumbled). What better way to say, “You are just plain unintelligible and your ideas are wrong” than to raise hundreds of dollars to teach kids to avoid you and your silly prophesies? Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t a direct bash at faith. I myself am a devout follow of the great Beelze-Bathtub and have much faith in the great ideals of cleanliness next to godliness. In fact, many of my fellow fiends all have their own personal religious beliefs. But I am authentically impressed with the Seattle Atheists for taking something they found to be inappropriate and creating a constructive retaliation plan to fight it and prevent such a thing from happening again. It’s not too late. If you’d like to donate (and I’d suggest you do it quickly!) You can go to their site here and help the relief.

I also stumbled upon a facebook event entitled the Post Rapture Looting party, in which the survivors of the rapture plan on pillaging the local stores and houses of the recently raptured individuals. Hey, if you’re going to go to Hell, you might as well do it in a La-Z-Boy recliner with an electric Gibson Guitar in your hand and the amp cranked up to 11 and an HD flat screen TV in your living room. Wanna be a part of it? You can find the group here. They’re already up to 427,014 attendees (as I post this current blog).

So if the world were to end, how would you spend your last day? For me, it really wouldn’t make a difference. I’d do what I do everyday; kill my borders (the Groves) in some horribly brutal fashion and get my Voodoo Priest friend to raise them from the dead (That way I don’t need to pay rent for this beautiful house). Some would say live life to the fullest, but that’s the great part about being a monster, that’s our job. If you don’t believe me, watch the movie Little Monsters starring Fred Savage and Howie Mandel. Sure it’s a poorly written piece of schlock, and sure it comes off as a pedophile’s wet dream, and sure the monsters in the movie only pull juvenile pranks and the monsters (like me) in real life kill people and eat large animals, but the basic idea is sort of kind of correct. Ok, not really, but we enjoy what we do as much as the movie tried to make us believe those monsters did. Either way, sit tight and watch the fireworks on May 21st, 2011 as we celebrate not the end of the world, but the complete double face palm failure of a prophesy that is slightly more credible than the reputation of the fame monster herself, Lady GaGa.


Ziggy Stardust is rolling in his grave...or he will be when I get to him

* I've been informed of these two wonderful websites that I simply had to update you all on.

There is a supposed "Pet Watching Service" a group of Atheists are creating for those who wish to ascend but are worried about the horrible fate of their precious pets.  Good thing I'm not a member.  I'd just eat them.  Check it out here.

A giant counter billboard has been built in the Bay Area that will count down to the rapture, and will make an official announcement for a Post Rapture Party held in the West Coast, where various prominent Atheists speakers will be attending.  You can read about it here.

A special thanks to Mr. Aaron Gray, my very loyal reader, for finding this information for me.

And finally, a very special reminder to all of you who think Big Bad Jeffrey Macabre is a mean ol' atheist who hates religion.  Like I said, not so.  I am simply playing the part of a mildly opinionated journalist.  All Hail Beelze-Bathtub.

1 comment:

  1. Earth’s poles would shift in 1998, causing the beginning of the end for this planet. Daniel