FemVamp.com Review

You know what I like in my pornography?  Blood, mutilation and a plot.  The problem is that the only porn worthy of my erection is my gory scissor reel of Eli Roth movies (unfortunately, such films lack a plot, making it very difficult to enjoy a good old fashioned blood orgasm…But this is a discussion for another day).  Luckily I recently stumbled upon something far more entertaining than any monstrous spank material put out by a thousand Eli Roths powered with atomic rays.  This tasty title of titillation is called Femvamp.com, a horror comedy internet show about a clan of sex crazed female vampires who lure unsuspecting viewers to their doom through their porn website, femvamp.com. 

It's not ok to hit a child, unless you
make it look like an accident

Like a horny teenage prom date with an initial fear of the almighty penis, I was titillated yet hesitant to jump into bed with this piece upon watching the first episode.  My brows frilled at the exposition delivered by some loud-mouthed jockey boy.  But as soon as said jock became the first victim of a vampire babe in a corset, I realized that what I had just watched was nothing more than a prologue meant to introduce the theme of the overall show, which is very tongue in cheek.  Just like how Judd Nelson slipped the panties off of Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club”, this webseries managed to charm me instantly after the very catchy theme song played juxtaposed to two voluptuous vampire women spreading gratuitous amounts of fake blood all over their human female victim’s mostly naked body with their mouths.  Instantly, the show introduced who would eventually become my favorite character, Detective Valentine.  In the first two minutes, the bitch-slapping cop (played by Jay Bingham) knocks around a baby face student under the suspicion that he is a murdering peeping tom at the local college.  His constant shouting of “bullcrap” and frequent slaps in the face of a kid probably not old enough to buy beer at your local Bevmo was honestly one of the funniest things I’ve watched in a while.  The best part is that Bingham plays it straight, even when the characters in the show realize how ridiculous this guy’s fast fisted tactics are.  I mean it, every time he slaps someone, which is a lot; they either gaze at him blankly and confused or they start laughing at him.  To which his response is to slap them again, for they don’t seem to realize how much he means business.  He even goes so far as to shout at his boss when he gets kicked off the case for his use of excessive force.  I just love how over the top he is with his bad cop routine; it’s as though he’s got something to prove but no one seems to take him all that seriously.  This is the kind of guy who goes home and beats his wife over a miscommunication about why she was out so late with the girls the night before, after drinking his 6 pack of Milwaukee’s Best of course. 

Sometimes, it takes a man with a really sexy O-face

By the fifth episode, the main cast of characters is set up, as are their relationships.  Terry, the protagonist (also the campus pepping tom…but not the murderer) and his best friend BJ, a Chris Brown-esque side kick team up with Professor Wang, a whimsical and flirtatious college professor/vampire hunter to take down the Femvamps and stop their sexy murderous webshow.  All the while, Detective Valentine continues to hunt down Terry, for he thinks he is the one murdering the local college students, even though Valentine has been kicked off of the case due to his violent and silly tactics of retrieving information.  Most of these characters are likeable.  Though I do admit I am not a fan of BJ (he’s mostly played up for laughs and I was never a fan of Chris Brown’s humor) I feel there is a great deal of room for growth with the character, so I am more than willing to stick around and see where it goes.  The jokes that hit, hit very well, and the use of back-story adds a great deal of likeability to the characters.  Specifically, we get a wonderful opportunity to see our “Van Helsing” character, Professor Wang as a young man training to be a vampire hunter.  As it turns out, he was very different as a naïve fledgling pupil studying the art of vampire murder.  I’d love to see more vignettes like this one peppered throughout the series.  It allows us to see our heroes in different stages of their lives thus getting to know them beyond the masks of their social personalities and idiosyncrasies.  The second most important selling factor of this show is the clear level of fun the cast is having while performing and frequently that alone is enough to keep my attention.  It’s really ok to chew the scenery, so long as the scenery is made up of delicious blocks of ham and cheese. 

 It is also worth mentioning how much I like the art direction.  It is especially impressive, since the series has a fairly low budget.  Most low budget projects can’t seem to grasp the idea that filling the negative space in the frame makes the film’s environment look more authentic. But this filmmaker goes out of his way to make the locations look lived in and the props look real.  On a shoestring budget, they build a pretty comfy looking coffin big enough to fit two bodies (kind of reminds me of the crypt of carnality I built in my basement.  You know what I say, when the tomb stone’s-a-rockin…).  Professor Wang sports a crossbow, a vest packed to the teeth with ammo, and giant syringes filled with silver liquid nitrate.  These fine details are what make this show stick out to me as well thought out.  

Miles Whitmon fantasizes about some pretty sick shit, apparently

There is only one thing I don’t like about the show, and that is the method in which jump scares are implemented.  The use of jump scares in the horror genre is one of the oldest and easiest approaches to literally force audience members out of their seats.  The basic formula of an effective jump scare is as follows…

1.              The Setup, or the introduction of a foreign element into a sequence (i.e. a strange noise down the hallway).

2.              Followed by a suspenseful build up used to create tension, (the character’s curiosity is perked and they are unwisely drawn to the mystery).

3.              Finished off with the reveal of something wicked, usually accompanied by a sudden change in volume and intensity of the score and the action (without warning a loud music sting breaks the suspenseful silence and a hellish abomination pops out from the darkness to kill our curious clod).

One of the most famous and in my opinion best examples of an effective jump scare is from the film House on Haunted Hill.  Two guests of a party (a man and a woman) at a haunted house search the basement for a mysterious attacker that may still be hiding somewhere.  They find that the walls in certain spots in the basement are hollow and soon enough the two split up to figure out why.  However, the young lady is unfortunate enough to discover…well, perhaps it would be best for you to see for yourself what she discovers.  

I can definitely see where the filmmaker was going by incorporating jump scares into his series.  After all, a good horror comedy joins both dread and comic relief into a beautiful unholy matrimony.  But I feel the execution of the jump scares were harsher on the ear than on the heart, for they begin with a brief silence followed by a particularly loud sting.  In fact, the loud sting hinders the scare, for when I turned the volume down to mute and watched it again, they were significantly more effective.    But since the jump scares take up about a second or two of only two or three episodes, it is more than fair to say that I am splitting hairs in this critique.

Femvamp.com has the attributes of a high school charmer.  Its personality is both cocky and funny, able to unapologetically make a face palm joke as if to say, “if you don’t like it, someone better will”.  That’s the kind of gusto I appreciate with my humor.  If you take the content of an Ed Wood movie and the delivery of a PG13 cut of a John Waters film (good luck ever finding one) you will be pretty damn close to the feel of Femvamp.com.  If you dare incur the wrath of a fine assed blood sucking leech in hopes of cumming blood all over your Mom’s new carpet (as I know I did before I ate the harlot), go watch the show and tell me what you think.   And remember to keep an eye out for Detective Valentine, I hope that once this show has released a couple of seasons, he gets his own spinoff titled “BULLCRAP!...SLAP!”

Come check it out here.  You'll be glad you did.

Daddy of the Dead Review

Not since the Charles Manson cut of To Kill a Mockingbird have I seen such a heartwarming story.  “Daddy of the Dead” is a lighthearted romp about the hardships a father must face while raising an undead child in a post apocalyptic world.  Such conflicts include racism, dietary issues and of course, bigotry.    I consider this film more political than anything, as it takes a very clear position on the issue of undead parenting.  Though I happen to agree with the stand the film takes on said policy, I do have a few critiques on some of the technical aspects of the filmmaking. 

Though I appreciate the message the film conveyed, I think it would have added to the overall viewing experience to create a happier feel with the music selection during the sequence when the father prepared his daughter’s meal.  It would have created a moment for the audience to see the bright side of raising a living dead baby.  After all, a bouncing bile filled child does bring cheer to any loving household.  It also would have made the finale more unexpected and suspenseful.  I was also not the biggest fan of the chosen camera used to film this PSA, but nothing really compares to good old fashion 16mm, and who can afford film to shoot a doc with these days besides Ken Burns and Michael Moore?  Sometimes, stories need to be told and in such cases, any working camera is a good camera. 

Even though our poor subject is most definitely a victim of bigotry and racism from a mob of extremist ghouls, I can’t help but feel the film’s mission to fight racism ends up making the film maker look a tad racist himself; against zombies that is.  After watching it a second time, I noticed the film maker did not go out of his way to interview any liberal zombies who may have taken the living father’s side.  This leads me to believe one of two things; either the film maker is attempting to label all of the living dead as ignorant right wing trailer trash, or the film maker does not understand that zombies are as diverse a race as humans (I should know; I was an attendee at the Zombie Tea Party Rally this past weekend…it didn’t end well).  I am also a tad surprised that the film did not end with a message to its audience, informing them of ways they can help fight the bigotry humans face against their zombie brothers.  Perhaps a link to the website of an organization designed to fight such oppression.  Well that is where I come in.  If you have been moved by the message this film conveys and you wish to help such parents as the one portrayed in Daddy of the Dead, feel free to contact The Zombie Squad and ask them what can be done to make a difference.  They are a charitable organization that works to help those in need under the oppression of such forces of nature as the zombie apocalypse.  They are responsible for running and attending many charitable parties, conventions and events.  I believe they take donations, but either way if you feel so inclined, you can reach them by clicking here.

I usually use a meat cleaver to chop the body into small pieces,
then put the unused parts in the fridge for later.  But a kitchen knife
works fine, if you don't plan on keeping any leftovers.

The film maker's name is Guil Claveria.  I recommend giving the film a look.  It taught me a thing or two about what kind of food to feed a growing ghoul and it does a great job capturing the struggle a parent must face as a minority in a racist community.

The Book of the Law

Friends and lovers, I am rather excited to begin this month’s book club meeting.  So without further ado, let’s talk books.

 You human beings and your religions.  Do Gods have words?  Some say, “Yes they do”.  Can you hear them?  Some say, “Yes I can”.  Can I hear them?  Some say, “Yes you can”.   When can I hear them?  Some say, “Right now”.  What if I can’t hear them?  Some say, “Read the Bible”.  Which Bible?  Some say, “All of them”.  Ok, maybe they don’t say that.  But you will get a whole bunch of different answers from a whole bunch of different people.  It just so happens, that this one particular religious tomb caught my eye the other day and I am rather excited to share it with you.

Have you ever been interested in the Qabalah?  Or fascinated by the use of sex and erotica to perfect your ability to manipulate mystical powers from the astral plane?  Then maybe Thelema is the right philosophy/religion for you.   The Thelemic religion draws greatly from the Egyptian pantheon.  Specifically the deities Nut, Hadit and Ra-Hoo- Khuit are considered to be Gods of particular importance.  For they are the heavenly authors of this month’s holy text.

Aleister Crowley, the founder of the Thelemic religion, was a mystic who claimed to share a conversation with a higher being.  Specifically, he was contacted by his guardian angel, Aiwass, The Minister of Hoor-paar-kraat (more commonly believed to be Horus, the centralized deity of Thelema).  Aiwass used Crowley’s fiancee’s body to speak to him in order for Crowley to annotate the bible of his Theleman philosophy; Liber Al vel Legis, or in English, The Book of the Law.

In the span of four days (April 1^st, 7^th, 8^th and 9^th) between the hours of noon and 1 pm, Crowley and Aiwaas sat in the drawing room of an apartment in Cairo, Egypt to dictate this magical tomb. 

The writing of the book is both overly complicated and significantly cryptic.  Depending on your desire to dig deep into the will of the Thelemic pantheon or the mind of an insane wizardy-type (depending on your point of view) you may either get a great deal of spiritual awakening from reading this brief dictation, or a great deal pissed off for reading something so indecipherable.  Later in his life, Crowley wrote The Comment, which spelled out the interpretation of his holy book in a concise simple paragraph.  In The Comment, Crowley strictly prohibits any outside study or lecture of the book.  He states that the book must be interpreted privately by ones self only, without aid outside of his own writings and analyses.  He goes on to recommend you destroy your copy as soon as you have read it for the first time.  It was in this brief paraphrase that Crowley defined the book in two simple phrases,

“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law”

“love is the law, love under will”

The definition of “Do what thou wilt” is meant to focus more on one’s spiritual destiny rather than one’s selfish desires.  In thelema everyone has a true will, which is considered to be one’s destiny one must attain.  It is not chosen, rather enlisted to an individual based off of their inner self in relation to the universe.  To attain one’s true self is to attain enlightenment.  A true Theleman’s actions are in perfect harmony with nature, as they use magick (yes, with a K) to attain one’s true will. 

If you wish to read more on the subject of Thelema, I recommend starting with The Book of the Law.  You can read it online by clicking here. 

If you’d like to read any more of Aleister Crowley’s work online, you can do so by clicking here.

I also recommend Crowley’s autobiographical experience as a drug user, Diary of a Drug Fiend.  At the very least it is worth a couple laughs.

For those of you who wish to read The Book of the Law and are easily lost in Aiwass’ fancy and highly metaphorical prose, I have written up a quick cheat sheet for you to become better acquainted with the meaning behind some of the texts.  Does that make me a sinner in the eyes of your average Thelemic practitioner?  I don’t care.  I’m a horrible monster who lives in a closet and eats people.  However, as this is such a complex piece of writing and I do have a great many babies to toss off of tall buildings today, my cheat sheet does not go so in depth to be a complete analysis, rather a modest glossary of Thelemic terms, metaphors and meanings behind various phrases and reoccurring concepts you will come across by reading The Book of the Law.  If you are interested in reading Crowley’s various essays and commentaries on the book (which go significantly more in depth), I recommend reading his other book, The Law is for All.  You can purchase a copy at Amazon.com by clicking here.

So without further ado, let us begin...

Chapter 1

Nuit 

Heavenly speaker of the first chapter of the book. 

She is the sky goddess, ever arching over her masculine counterpart Hadit, to kiss his “secret ardours”.  (14)

“…and in his woman called the Scarlet Woman is all power given” (15)

The Scarlet Woman is the goddess Babylon, riding bare breasted on the back of the great Beast, whose number is 666 (Aleister Crowley often saved this title, The Great Beast, for himself.  However in this case, he is referring to another deity.  Not Satanic in nature, but Thelemic).

Babylon 

-To her is the “stooping Starlight” as to Hadit is the “Winged secret flame” (16)

Nuit and Hadit are represented as female and male counterparts, Nuit the feminine encompassing Hadit the masculine in her heavenly body.  Crowley is famous for his blatant and cryptic carnality, for sex is a powerful tool in the Thelemic religion.  Keep your peepers pealed.  You are bound to find a great deal of metaphorical soft-core porn in this bible.

-“I am Nuit and my word is six and fifty.  Divide, add, multiply, and understand” (24 – 25)

The use of numbers is very common in many pagan and spiritually based religions.  In Thelema, they are used to uncover many transcendental secrets.  50 + 6 is 56, the number of Nuit.  When broken apart and added together, 5 + 6 = 11, the number of the Tree of Life.  Take special note of the importance of the numbers 5 and 6, for 5 is represented by the Pentagram, the 5 pointed star and 6 is represented by the Hexagram, the 6 pointed star.  Both stars have their own magickal significance.  The Pentagram represents the Microcosm, the four elements Earth, Fire, Wind and Water crowned together with the fifth point, the spirit.  The Hexagram represents the Macrocosm, the points of the star are granted to the planetary bodies Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, Venus, Mercury, The Sun and The Moon.  Put together, the Pentagram and the Hexagram become a very powerful and all encompassing symbol.  As you can see, there is already much to dive into with this mystical text.

The Tree of Life

-“My scribe Ankh-af-na-khonsu, the priest of the princes, shall not in one letter change this book; but lest there be folly, he shall comment thereupon by the wisdom of Ra-Hoor-Khuit” (36)

Interesting tidbit, Cowley actually did make changes to the original manuscript (such as inserting summed up excerpts from his previous work, The Stele of Revealing and various other spelling and grammatical changes).

-“Who calls us Thelemites will do no wrong, if he look but close into the word.  For there are therein Three Grades, The Hermit, and the Lover, and the man of Earth” (40)

The Thelemic Order System has three levels of initiation.

The Man of Earth is the first level of enlightenment, in which the lesser magicks of nature are taught to the novice Thelemite.

The Lover is the second level of enlightenment, in which lessons of the first level are expanded upon with more emphasis on the pursuit of knowledge of the greater magicks of nature.

The Hermit is the third level of enlightenment, in which the Theemic student must follow the pursuit of light and knowledge.  It is where one finds inner and personal enlightenment.  To achieve this is to achieve the highest form of existence and become a Master of the Universe.

Chapter 2

Hadit  

Heavenly speaker of the second chapter of the book

The spirit within all humans.  The masculine counterpart to Nuit.

-“With the just I am eight, and one in eight”

Numbers again.  You can read more about the Thelemic meaning of numbers by clicking here.

-“Now a curse on because and his kin!” (28)

“If will stops and cries Why, invoking Because, the Will stops & does nought” (29)

“If power asks why, then is Power weakness” (30)

“Because” is a rebellious word.  The answer to the question “because” defines reason, and in Thelema, reason is acquiescent to Will.  Crowley states in his later work, The Law Is For All, “It is ridiculous to ask a dog why it barks.  One must fulfill one’s true nature, one must do one’s will”, emphasizing this Thelemic school of thought.

-“A Feast…Aye!  Feast!  Rejoice!  There is no dread hereafter.  There is the dissolution, and eternal ecstasy in the kisses of Nu” (34 – 44) 

Hadit commands you to rejoice on the path of your true will.

-“There is light before thine eyes, o prophet, a light undesired, most desirable…I am the master: thou art the Holy Chosen One” (61 – 65) 

Hadit’s message seems to be directed toward Crowley himself, as Hadit depicts the joyous rapture which comes with the service of dictating this heavenly prophecy.  Crowley would later describe in his piece the old Comment as feeling “swallowed up in ecstacy” while writing this.

-"4 6 3 8 A B K 2 4 A L G M O R 3 Y X 24 89 R P S T O V A L…There cometh one to follow the: he shall expound it” (76) 

Some magicians believe this to be a Cipher, a code, which can be easily solved through a mysterious process. 

A wonderful author, G. M. Kelly attempts to decipher this crypic code through several notes and works of Crowley.  You can read his article by clicking here. 

Chapter 3

Ra-Hoor-Khuit 

Heavenly speaker of the third chapter of the book of the law

God of war and vengeance (pay close attention to his words, for they are very war mongering)

Lord of the Aeon

-"Abrahadabra, the reward of a Hoor Khut” (1) 

The word Abrahadabra (with an H, not a C) is, according to Crowley in The Law is for All, the mystical formula for this new Aeon, The Aeon of Horus.  The reason is broken down in said book.

-“Sacrifice cattle, little and big: after a child.  But not now” (12 – 13)

Interesting tidbit, Crowley had many children with many different women.  A good portion of his children died in his lifetime.

-“There cometh a rich man from the West who shall pour gold upon thee…and blessing no longer be poured to the Hawk-headed mystical lord!” (31 - 34)

This is a prophesy of the future, involving the formation of the Thelemic church and the oncoming battle that will ensue. 

-Hrumachis – The double lion headed form of Horus.  It is an inverted form of the Sphinx, the body of a lion and the head of a man for Hrumachis has the body of a woman and the head(s) of a lioness.

-Mentu – Egyptian war God, lord of Thebes.

-Ankh-af-na-khonsu – a Thebian priest of Mentu from the 26^th dynasty in Egypt.

-Ra, Tum, Khephra, Ahathoor Bes-na-Maut and Ta-Nech – Egyptian Gods.  Ahathoor is better known from history as Hathor, Egyptian Goddess of fertility and love.

Hrumachis

-“...and thy comment upon this the Book of the Law shall be printed beautifully in red ink and black upon beautiful paper made by hand” (39)

You can buy a copy of the Book of the Law by clicking here.

made with crappy printer paper and inked with equally crappy printer ink.

-“…let her be shameless before all men” (44)

more metaphorical and literal allusions to sexuality as a powerful tool of magic.

-“With my Hawk’s head I peck at the eyes of Jesus as he hangs upon the cross…For her sake let all chaste women be utterly despised among you” (51 – 55)

Here, Ra-Hoor-Khuit condemns all other religious philosophies, cursing the oppression of all other schools of thought.

-“The ending of the words is the Word Abrahadabra” (75)

And with this, Ra-Hoor-Khuit ends his dictation as he begun it.

Aeon of isis

Pre history

Mankind worshipped a great goddess (Isis)

Mother earth took care of her children -  pagan worship

Aeon of Osiris

Classical to medieval centuries

Mankind worships a single male god (Osiris)

Patriarchal values – Christian values are the priority

Aeon of Horus

1904 –

controlled by the child god, Horus

humanity will enter self realization and self actualization

Did this prophesy actually come to pass?  You tell me, Led Zeppelin.

Waxwork Review

This movie is silly, with a capital S-I to the L-L-Y.  Everything from the wax figures (that are clearly actors working as hard as they can to stand still), to the classically trained cast easily fit to perform Shakespeare but got wrangled into something significantly worse; this movie.  But does that mean I don’t like it?  Hell no!  I love it!  It captures the horror genre of the 80s perfectly.  It also pays homage to so many other horror classics.  Though the film does not end up being about what you might expect a movie called Waxwork to be about, it manages to leave you feeling thoroughly entertained in all the right ways.

David Warner is David Lincoln, a man who sold his soul to the devil for power and immortality.  His waxwork is filled with demonic wax figures, hungry for the souls of mortals.  We first meet Lincoln seducing a group of college students (sounds like a wild Saturday night jailbait monster mash if you ask me) to come view his wax collection, in hopes of turning them all into wax monsters (and no, I am not talking about THAT wax collection of his, you perverts).  Once he fills his quota of exhibits, he will turn them all into living monsters and use them to destroy the world.  Of Course!!!

"Would you fine young ladies care to come inside for a lick of my snozberry?"

Like most so-bad-it’s-good movies, the cast is beyond belief.  I always find it amazing how often the best actors are on the front of the line of the soup kitchen when in fact they really belong at the dining table of the immortal bard.  David Warner is (as always) my favorite example of this concept.  He’s been in the acting business for almost fifty years, starting out as a Shakespearian actor.  He moved onto film and television in the mid to late 60’s, having performed in various BBC television movies.  Sometime towards the 70’s, David became a regular in the horror genre (most notably, 1976’s The Omen).  I suppose it makes logical sense for any actor to leave the theatre; even the best of Shakespeare’s minions need to eat, and there are very few venues that will pay you for acting in the theatre.  Unless you like rat soup with pickles fermented in pussy juice (and on occasion I do).  With this in mind, I recommend glancing over Warner’s credentials.  He has one of the most diverse and long running resumes I have seen for an actor in the past fifty years, and he’s been appearing in everything since before Nicholas Cage made it cool to do so.  

Despite how absurd the character or the story he is performing behaves, he throws himself into the role as though it were Richard the 2^rd (interestingly enough, he played the starring role in England).  Even when he knows the rolls he is playing are complete shit, he sure does have fun performing them.  This has never been more evident than here, in Waxwork.  He can deliver a cheesy one liner with more sincerity than Helena Bonham Carter at a baby eating convention.  Even seriously reciting the line “They’ll make a movie about anything these days” when told that the Phantom of the Opera has been adapted to the big screen on several occasions.  Ignore the fact that Warner’s character is a century old wizard and should know a tad bit about pop culture.  He delivers the obnoxiously silly line without cracking a sneer.  I sometimes wonder if he even knows how undignified the parts he plays are, but it really doesn’t matter.  He makes them dignified.  And in a movie filled with silly one liners, self parodying jokes and living wax figures, it helps to have a sturdy anchor like Warner on your set. 

The monsters are very memorable.  Even if they do not look “real” they sure do look scary, or at least intriguing.  Take the Wolf Man for example.  John Rhys-Davies plays the wax figure of a werewolf.  Like all the other figures, he has his own exhibit that comes to life when someone stumbles into it.  One of the first victims in the film, being an idiot, does just this and falls into the werewolf dimension (did I just call it the Werewolf’s Dimension?  I’d like to see a movie about that).  The werewolf transformation sequence is quite silly.  And though the monster’s mouth and features barely move (it’s more of a mask than a prosthetic or animatronic), it still looks pretty cool.  The other monsters are pretty out of sight as well. There is a snake person, a talking plant that actually begs you to feed it ala Little Shop of Horrors, vampires, a plethora of zombies, and many other supernatural baddies.  I love every single one of these monsters, mostly because I love looking at the makeup and special effects used to create them.  Thankfully this film was shot in the 80s.  I’d hate to see what they would do if it were shot today; everything would be CGI.  And I hate the overuse of CGI for low budget movies.  Don’t worry Asylum Films, your day is coming soon.

The climax of this film is one of the best I have seen in a while; it’s a battle between mythical monsters and old people.  You heard me right, mythical monster versus the elderly.  I know I sound like I am being a critical creature, but I do not exaggerate.  In the last half hour of the film, Zach Galligan and Deborah Foreman are trapped in the waxwork.  They are forced to watch the wax figures come to life and when they do, they will kill the two and destroy the world.  So tell me, when faced with the threat of apocalyptic death, what is the first thing you would pray to come and save you?  Perhaps a team of well trained samurai?  Or a band of magic wielding demon hunters weathered by centuries of combat?  You’d be completely wrong of course.  

The correct answer is a gaggle of geriatrics armed with guns, swords, motor broncos and walkers.  Sir Wilfred, an old man in a motor bronco played by John Steed himself, Patrick Macnee, is the character responsible for rounding up this brave collection of souls.  He has been preparing to battle David Warner for decades, and finally, now at the brink of the apocalypse, these long toothed heroes have their chance to use their cunning and their canes to destroy the monsters and save the world.  They succeed of course, (which says a lot about the durability of these world ending wax figures) marking a wonderful period in horror cinema history where a film carries a subliminal message about the importance of gerontological studies.  The band of aging soldiers blow up the waxwork and everything inside, how more fantastical can an ending get?  Perhaps if the only thing to survive the explosion besides our two heroes was the crawling hand of a wax zombie, leaving enough room for a sequel? (and a sequel there was.  Trust me friends, that blog will come soon).  What an ending.

Mrs. Peel, We're Needed

Waxwork’s strongest element is its self-parodies and references.  Because each exhibit is a scene from an iconic horror movie (The Wolf Man, Dracula, the Mummy, Phantom of the Opera, Night of the Living Dead and many more classic gems) there are a great deal of sequences that recapture the various different styles of horror of each designated film.  This makes Waxwork feel rather like an anthology film or a showcase of horror, where various different monsters get an opportunity to entertain the audience the best they can.  There is very little fright within the waxwork itself however, because the figures cannot actually hurt you.  You must be thrown into the exhibits for them to be able to do anything.  This is not exactly what I pictured in my head when I first heard the title.  What did you picture?  I thought of a movie with a bunch of wax models that come to life and killed people; or a place where people are covered in wax and turned into exhibits.  As it turns out, both of these scenarios are true for this film, but the focus of the film is more on the battle against the magical dark forces.

I highly recommend Waxwork for any audience interested in having a good laugh.     With memorable monsters, a wonderful cast and a very epic finale, this film is most definitely worth a hearty round of applause from the peanut gallery.

One final note.  I love this guy.  Can I take him home and keep him please?