Phantom of the Paradise Review

All right, all you Phantom-of-the-Opera-fans, it is time to knock your socks off.  You want an original take on the phantom?  I bet you didn’t even know you had one.

Phantom of the Paradise is a film directed by Brian De Palma, director of Carrie and Mission Impossible.   It draws heavily from both the original Phantom of the Opera novel as well as the infamous legend of Faust.  In this story, Winslow Leech, played by the late William Finney, is an up and coming composer who is solicited by the great and powerful record producer, Swan, to produce his album.  But this is only a ruse for Swan to steal Leech’s music, which he plans on using to open his new Casa de Rock and Roll that rivals such industry locals as Disneyland, which he calls The Paradise. 

Upon discovering Swan’s plan, Winslow struggles in vain to get back on the same page with the satanic producer.  But each attempt lands Winslow in even more trouble, such as being kicked out of Swan’s office, sent to jail, having his teeth removed, having his vocal cords removed and having his face melted down to silly putty in a record press machine. 

Humiliated and presumed dead, he stalks the paradise, sabotaging Swan’s attempts to put on his opening act.  Unfortunately ever the devil, Swan’s not done with Winslow yet, as he plans to bleed the new phantom’s creativity and steal the woman of his dreams all in one sinister swoop. 

Funny thing this movie, it is filled with tiny inconsistencies and technical errors but it remains to be one of the most entertaining indie films of the early 1970s.  Normally, I like picking the bones of these cult movies clean like a vulture in the Arizona desert.  But this movie is way too much fun.  Partly because of Paul Williams of course!  What?  That guy from the Muppets who sings about an old fashioned love song with two clones of himself singing alongside him?  Yup, that guy.  Apparently this guy plays bad guys very well, as this is not his only time performing as a villainous character.  You can also see (or rather hear) him as the murdering, bank robing, son of a bitch Oswald “The Penguin” Cobblepot in the Batman animated series. 

Mr. De Palma made a wise choice in hiring Paul Williams to write the music for this movie.  It’s fun, dark, creepy and hauntingly beautiful.  Strange, coming from the man who wrote Rainbow Connection.  This brings up a very good point.  Does anyone remember any original not-used-for-television-or-film songs written by this guy?  More importantly, why does no one remember this guy?  He’s had it all, and even been the subject of a mildly darkly themed documentary titled, “Paul Williams Still Alive”.  Not only can he write memorable, catchy music but also he plays such convincing bad guys.  Look at him, walking into his office with a million women climbing all over each other just to have a piece of this piggy bloke, Swan. You know these women are doing this just to get a taste of the lime light their foster parents went so far out of their way to convince them they weren’t good enough for.  What a schmuck.

My favorite scene in this movie is when Swan hooks up Winslow to an electric voice box jerry-rigged to a mixing station.  Winslow plays the piano and sings his bittersweet song (lovingly entitled “Faust”) as Swan, at the mixing board, works to re-create Winslow’s true voice.  The progression of “tuning in” to artificially restore what Winslow no longer has, juxtaposed to the horrible figure he now is, is eerily beautiful.  This scene also brings up a lot of nostalgic Frankensteiney imagery such as a mad genius slaving over his machines to put together his horrible monster.  Classic.

Just like in the original novel, the Phantom of this film is not a ghost but actually a talented and misunderstood artist who uses mystique and theatricality to impose fear and intimidation on his enemies.  But unlike in the original novel, Winslow has an on screen change from your run-of-the-mill musician to the haunting creature, The Phantom.  At first, Winslow is a pretty approachable guy, albeit with a bit of a temper when threatened.  He flirts, he smiles and he writes beautiful music that touches fellow performers and tycoons alike.  When he first realizes his music has been stolen, he attempts to make peace with his antagonist to come to a fair arrangement for both parties.  But the more Swan pushes him, the more his anger takes over.  He even tries to break into Swan’s boudoir dressed as a woman in hopes of getting Swans attention, only to be beaten up and framed for possessing illegal drugs, fetching himself a life sentence for Sing Sing, were horrible medical experiments are implemented on him for God knows how long.  The dark side of Winslow’s nature seems to dominate his actions for the rest of the movie after that.  He breaks out of prison, dons a mask and black leather outfit and attacks the various performers who attempt to bastardize his own music at The Paradise.  He is quick to react aggressively when things don’t go the way he wants.  Yet Winslow’s passion is easily manipulated by the evil Swan into making more music in exchange for fame, a new voice and various narcotics to keep him cranking out them hits!

This movie is also my second favorite film starring Jessica Harper.  Try and guess which one is the first (If you can’t figure it out, I’d find that a little Suspiricious).  She has a girl-next-door plainness about her that fits well in this movie.  She is young and mouse-like with a good singing voice and a lot of stage presence.  But outside of her stage presence, she is your average everyday girl, looks and all.  This makes the Winslow character even more down to earth, as he finds this young woman to be perfect despite her shortcomings.  His standards are just not as corrupt as everyone else.  This is the one thing he is able to hold onto throughout the film in order to keep his humanity. 

Lastly, let’s not forget one of the best characters in this movie; the effeminate, metal prima donna Beef played by Bud the Chud himself, Gerrit Graham.  When on stage or in front of a camera, Beef is a nasty grimacing badass with an attitude to match.  But meet him in his changing room and you’ll find a very different kind of man.  He’s girly, catty and a tad on the bitchy side for a metal head.  His butchering of Winslow’s music is hilarious, especially coupled with Winslow’s reaction to every note he listens to Beef belt out.  Winslow is flat out against Beef performing his music, as he only wants the angelic “Phoenix” (Harper) to sing his songs.  Swan bricks Winslow into his room to keep him from interrupting Beef’s opening performance of Winslow’s music.  But just like a Honey badger, Winslow breaks the wall down and attacks the live performance once more.   

This movie was panned at its initial release, mostly due to a mishandled marketing campaign and a great deal of confusion from the audience about what type of movie this was  But since the late 70’s, it has built a rather impressive fan base.  In 2005 and 2006 in Winnipeg, The Convention Phantompalooza was held to honor the film, consisting of a reunion of most of the surviving cast followed by a concert from Paul Williams.  When William Finley died in April 2012, indiewire wrote a wonderful piece on his career as an actor, most notably his involvement in Phantom of the Paradise (link to article right here).  It seems that even though this film was forgotten almost as soon as it was made, time has treated it with great reverence.  It continues to rope in newer, fresher audiences who hunger for the lost gems of indie Hollywood.  Do something nice for yourself and take a moment to check this one out with your friends.  I promise you will get a lot out of it.

5 Youtube Channels Probably Run By The Insane

It is said the internet is a never ending cesspool of mystery.  But the concept that the “Internet has no end” is fairly new.  It wasn't long ago that no amount of DOS prompt or surfing would uncover anything exciting outside of the Ultimate Showdown and a very gay Spiderman.  But screw that; it's 2013 now.  The net is chock full of content to waste your valuable little lives on.   

The internet is the world's microphone; it is so easy for anyone to get up and speak when the whole world is tuned in to listen.  With the digital generation currently taking over, everyone wants the opportunity to share their thoughts and creativity.  The best part is the anonymity.  You don't have to share your identity if you want to say or do something completely whacked online.  Which if you think about it can be pretty creepy, as some of these speakers could be really touched in the head.  Just like Lewis and Clark, Uncle Jeffrey has patrolled one of the most popular mediums of expression, Youtube, and has come up with some of the craziest speakers out there.  Without further ado, Allow me to share with you my top 5 favorite Youtube channels probably run by the insane.

5. ShayeSaintJohn

ShayeSaintJohn has been an Internet personality for years and is an expert in the field of whatthefuckology.  But you would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit to having even the slightest tingle creep down your spine when first popping your ShayeSaintJohn cherry.  Every one of his videos is a combination of the bizarre and the macabre (just like me) and yet, like a good ol’ train wreck, you just can’t look away.  He has in his repertoire a creepy arm gimmick, which makes his arm look like it can float away from his body.  A simple illusion to be sure, but an effective one.  I highly recommend keeping your eyes open for the next of this man’s videos.  He may be insane, but he is a lot of fun being it.

4. Adolfo Mateo

This man, on the other hand, is no fun at all.  He just sits there smoking his pipe all day.  But he films himself and posts it to youtube, so you can have a smoking buddy when you don’t have any real friends to smoke with.  No, really, His videos are just of him smoking his old pipe wearing slightly different outfits in each video, grumbling inaudibly the whole time.  And he’s posted over two thousand videos of just that.  There is little to no rewatch value; after seeing the first five seconds of one, you’ve seen them all.  But just like the little engine that could, he keeps on posting his bizarre smoking videos.  And I commend him for it, as should you.  Here’s to you Adolfo Mateo, the world wheezes an anticipated and smoke filled gasp of excitement for your next youtube production.

3. Nasajim108

Have you got a spare tin hat handy?  You may want to put it on after taking a gander at what this man has to show you.  If he is a man at all. 

In July of 2008, Nasajim108 uploaded the first of many creepy videos, asserting to expose the truth about the Illuminati and the government’s involvement with extraterrestrials.  He claims to be a dyeing former NASA employee who has met with the Alien Greys while on the job.  According to nasajim108, there is a highly intelligent subterranean species of aliens living on Mars right now that are tied deeply into the doings of the government.  

He likens his channel to a digital deathbed confession, shedding light on the sinister agenda of the government and the aliens that inhabit the White House.  In his videos, he shares an audio recording of an alien, a hypnotic tool used to probe the sleeping mind of a human, and lots of other weird extraterrestrial things that leave you scratching your head in disbelief.  Nasajim108 is not first ex government employee to preach the existence of aliens and I doubt he will be the last.  But is his particular message of death and horror from beyond the stars legit?  Or is he just a troll looking to play with innocent dopes that stumble across his channel?  The world may never know.

2. Alantutorial

Probably my favorite channel on this list is Alantutorial.  Alan is a simple man who only wishes to teach you neat life hacks through a series of video tutorials on youtube.  At heart, Alan is a lover of his fellow man and a helper of the bored and bewildered.  But he is also completely out of his mind.  None of Alan’s tutorials have ever taught how to do anything.  They are all bizarre and some of them very creepy to watch.  Don’t believe me?  Take a gander at his video, “How To Make A Double Barrel WWII Italian Fighter Plane Origami Paper Art”.  Besides the fact that he doesn’t go beyond folding the sheet of paper in half, the entire time a mysterious and ominous knocking coming from the front door keeps interrupting him.  Despite his attempts to call out to the individual on the other side, there is never a response, just more knocking.  Not to say Alan is ever able to concentrate when there isn’t a mysterious knocking at his front door.   In his video on how to pick up a blue chair off the ground, he struggles to keep his composure since he is balling his eyes out and doesn't even accomplish the simple task of lifting a chair off the ground.  There is even evidence that Alan is a murderer.  In his video "AlanVideo.mp4 Tutorial", he walks around the street with blood on his hands and with his camera, shows a giant splash of blood on the pavement next to a jagged rock.  Since his last video on “How To Change”, in which he lights a chair on fire and chops away at it with an axe, he has stopped making his famous tutorials and presumably died from forth degree burns or disappeared to a higher plane of existence.  However, die-hard fans continue to hope and pray for his sweet, unholy return.  For this man is not a man, he is a god; a god of tutorials.  And we all anxiously wait for his resurrection.

1. The Molly Holly Stalker

This individual does not have just one youtube channel; he has many.  He also has a website and a twitter page all dedicated to defacing the good name of WWE wrestler Nora “Molly Holly” Greenwald.    Now I don’t actually know if this guy is only one guy, nor do I know if he is even a guy at all, but whoever is posting these videos is holding some serious hate for the young female wrestler and her current husband, whom he constantly refers to as a drug dealer.  Each channel has at least one video but they are all filled with anger induced drivel accusing Molly Holly of everything from lying about her virginity to being an all around terrible person.  What makes these videos so crazy is that no one is talking about them.  One of the videos depicts a man with a giant collection of Molly Holly action figures, throwing them in the dumpster (along with what I assume is a sports bra of Molly Holly’s) with a threatening caption saying how she messed with the wrong person.  This man got it all on film, put it online and no one is addressing how creepy this is?  It makes me wonder if anyone ever tried to address it before and was quietly taken out to the back of the woodshed for disposal.  I tell you, after watching a good portion of these videos; I sure would hate to be Molly Holly.  Nor would I want to be the dumb schmuck who tries to call attention to this obviously insane person…wait…shit…

Here is a quote taken from the website: http://www.knowthetruthng.com/

“Fun facts about Nora Greenwald: 1. She lied about being a virgin. 2. She screwed people out of charity donations that went to her pocket "in the name of christ" (ask the donators). 3. She sabotaged Malia Hosaka's career. 4. She's anorexic and broke these days with a pill habit and tried to sell her used underwear for cash. 5. A Dr. diagnosed her as a pathological lying sociopath. 6. She associates with low lifes including her husband who robbed a church. *So much for sweet innocent Molly Holly.*"

Here are some of the youtube channels made to slander this woman…there are definitely more.  Give them a watch and relish in the insanity of it all. 

NoragreenwaldSCAMMER

Mollyhollygreenwald

Noragreenwaldisacunt

MollyHollyFRAUD

norabenshoof

mollyhollynorawwe

mollyhollyCRACKWHORE

noragreenwaldCULTIST

Rawkatty

Bolescreekwrestling

thestandardMS

jackthaddeusisGOD

ChrisBenoitMurders07

DrJaniceWheeler

MrJackThaddeus

Eugenebenshoof

ChriMurderer Benoit

Therealclydecash

07ChrisBenoitMURDERS

TeenChallengeCULT

ForestLakeAlerts

Hey Kiddies,

I hope you all remember last year and my attempt to host Shockfest Film Festival in Hollywood CA.  I figured now is as good a time as any to let you all know that this year, Shockfest will be managed by little old moi. As such, allow me to whore it out.  Don’t fret friends, pretty soon I will be getting back to traditional blogs and even a webseries, which I think you will all love.  It will depict my exploits tormenting the Grove Family, whose closet I happen to be haunting.  It’s a brand new spin on the whole “Horror Host” craze and I look forward to sharing with you details.  But for now, it’s time for some Shockfest. 

Shockfest is running on its 7^th year and it will be hosted at Raleigh Studios in Hollywood.  This year is a special one indeed, as it will be a film festival, a zombie walk, a mini convention and a haunted house.  It will take place on November 16^th – 18^th and they have a wonderful selection of films to premiere, as well as two different themes on Friday and Saturday night.  Opening night (Friday) they will create a Silver Screen/Golden Age Horror Hollywood ambiance, reminiscent of the 1950s.  This will include magicians entertaining guests, gothic and haunting ambiance and a classy red carpet.  Shockfest has been known in the past for its grungy and 80's indie drive-through environment and Saturday, they will be going back to this familiar theme, with monsters and horrible butchers walking around the outside of the festival.  They will have tables and booths for vendors, authors, actors and film makers to sell their wares and/or autographs to the public.  Saturday is the opening of the Haunted Attraction, which will be a hallway of fear for those brave enough to enter.  Last year this Haunted Attraction brought the house down and I am glad to say it is not only being revived, but remodeled.

“But Jeffrey”, you may be asking, “How do I get tickets to such an event of magnificent proportions?”

Well, all you have to do is follow this link (http://shockfest2012.eventbrite.com/#) and by typing in the promotional code, "Matt" (I was given this code by Matt Rosvally, my delicious human boss, who has given me permission to publicize this code to you all) and you get a %25 discount on any and all tickets.  As I said, this is fine and encouraged to publicized, so take advantage now, my lovelies.

Matt = Promotional Code

So what are you waiting for?  Check out the website at (http://www.shockfilmfest.com/) for updates on who to expect at the event, what movies are being premiered and hints at what surprises are in store and buy a ticket today!  Go on…click the eventbrite link.  I dare you…Alright, don’t do it.  See if I care.  I’ll just be here…Alone…Sitting in your closet…Waiting…For you to go to sleep…

Prince of Darkness

“He wears disguises, but his ends are single and lie in only one direction, double faced but never double-minded, never undecided, never vague or feeble in his purposes or ends.”

~Edward M. Bounds, on The Devil

Looking for something diabolic?  Look no further.  Prince of Darkness is a lovely little pocket-sized biography on the Horned One.  It uses excerpts from the bible to break down the history, personality, and motivations of everyone’s favorite red headed Lucy (…No, not the dead one!) Though Prince of Darkness is nowhere near as in depth as Jeffrey Burton Russell’s Mephistopheles: The Devil in the Modern World, don’t be fooled. Elwood pulls all the stops, sticking his best finger into the Devil’s brain, picking it tenderly like a fresh batch of blueberries.

That's right Lucille, you win that academy award.  It's not like I am jealous, or anything.

There are lots of fun little tidbits of information here in this book.  For example, Elwood spells out the nature of the serpent that exposed Adam and Eve to their favorite dish, the forbidden fruit.  Many consider this serprent to be Satan himself (after all, Adam and Eve were the first human sinners, but Satan was the first sinner of the Angelic Plane).  But just like the Native American folklore, where the Owl was a victim of his own vanity (the Owl's form is the opposite of what he wished it to be), so was the Snake in Christian folklore.  According to the Bible, snakes were once beautiful creatures, but the snake was cursed to crawl on his belly for his sin of convincing Adam and Eve how juicy those apples tasted.  It's the tidbits like this that make this book so interesting.   

But I suppose if I had to nit pick, since the book is an easy to read interpretation and analysis of Bible quotes, there’s a level of preachiness in the air as you read it.  I suppose I didn’t know what to expect when I first picked it up.  But I think it would have been more fun to incorporate analysis of other writings and interpretations of The Devil, like from Paradise Lost, Dante’s Inferno, and dare I say Neil Gaiman’s Sandman Graphic Novel? (ok, maybe not that one, it was written after this book was.  But you get what I mean).  It would have given a lot more depth to the subject, for sure.  After all, the many authors of the bible (the ones “God” spoke through, for you Christ-fags) aren’t the only ones who have something to say about the Devil’s Character. 

The artwork in this book is one of the highest selling factors for me.  Pages are filled cover to cover with the biblical artwork of famous French artist, Gustave Dore.  Some of his more familiar scenes represented in this book are Dore’s depictions of both Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno.  My favorite has always been the piece with Dante and Virgil looking over the 9^th circle of Hell, dwarfed by the overwhelming size of Satan, beating his mighty wings.

My copy of the book comes with a golden strap, which offers a quick biography on both the author and Mr. Dores.  The book also has a box to keep the cover from getting dirty.  Apparently, it was once sold for 3.95, but of course inflation is a factor here in purchasing a copy now.  Just google it, I’m sure you’ll find it for an affordable price.  I myself have seen it from under ten dollars to hundreds of dollars.  Just ignore those pretentious twats that choose to sell a tiny book for ridiculous prices.  

This book is not the classic "occult piece" it is made out to be on the internet.  There is nothing here to learn about the dark arts, nor is there anything all that bold, besides a good old fashion Christian Bible lesson.  But if you wish to read a fun and concentrated piece on the Bible's interpretation of Satan, this is the book for you. 

Don't Panic!  If you'd like to learn a little more about the dark arts, keep your peepers pealed, kiddies.  There's much on the docket.

The Night Flyer Review

Don’t believe what they say in the tabloids.  Unless everything they say is absolutely true. 

A few things stuck out at me while watching this movie.  One, it’s pretty funny.  Two, it has a pretty groovy monster.  And three, nobody seems to remember this movie exists.    Funny, because I actually legitimately remember a time (less than ten years ago actually) when this movie lined the DVD shelves of Saturday Matinees and FYEs at your local Mall.

I know because I watch you when you go out shopping…don’t ask why, it’s a monster thing.   

The Night Flyer is a 1997 HBO film adaptation of a Stephen King short story, written for the anthology book “Prime Evil”.  The movie stars human actor Miguel Ferrer as Richard Dees, a jaded tabloid reporter who works for the “Inside View” (you King fans should get the reference).  Dees travels across New England reporting on the murders of a serial killer called “the Night Flyer” in his articles.  Dees calls him The Night Flyer because he travels by night in a private plain, draining the blood of those unlucky enough to cross his path.  But just like a good King story should, it delves deep into the supernatural, as we learn that the Night Flyer is in fact a horrible vampire, and an ugly one at that. 

But before I get ahead of myself, let me discuss the many aspects of this movie that falls flat.

This film leaves much to be desired.  First off, the vampire is named Dwight Renfield.  Really?  Dwight Renfield?  Even people who haven’t read Bram Stoker’s Dracula and don’t know who Dwight Frye was still find this name to be really fishy.  It doesn’t help that Dees explains why the name is stupid within the first twenty minutes of the movie.  For the three of you out there who don’t know, Dwight Renfield is a fakey combination name of Dwight Frye, who played the character of Renfield, Dracula’s servant in the 1929 Universal film Dracula starring Bela Lugosi.  Some of you may say that the ambiguous name was meant to show the vampire has such great psychic power that he doesn’t have to try to hide his identity from the police.  But then how come the good people at the Inside View recognize the coinciding murders that happen around the man’s appearances along the east coast? 

Another thing that bothered me about this movie is ironically one of my favorite parts; the makeup.  While at full strength, Dwight Renfield takes the form of a long black haired man.  But he is really an ugly, bat like vampire with a wide gaping mouth and sharp “rail road spike” teeth (but to tell you the truth, he always looked a bit like a cheetah to me).  I was very happy with this interpretation.  I am of the school of thought that vampires are strongest when portrayed as monsters, not super powered romantics.  True, there are more than enough examples of well-written vampires taking on romantic roles.  But this interpretation has become so over used in film, television and literature that seeing anything break that over done mold, even slightly, is a refreshing enough change.  However, there are definitely shots where the makeup looked way too much like a latex mask and pair of gloves purchased at a Halloween store.  If they only lit those hands darker, it would have covered this up better.  On the other hand, at least the monster wasn’t a CGI vampire. 

Trusty Snuff box...Make my life tolerable. 

It may also be a little lame that you don’t actually see the monster until the end.  I would say this is a good thing, because it adds suspense and makes the vampire more mysterious.  But he barely shows up at all, except for flashbacks.  I know the focus is really on the struggle between the Inside View reporters and the satirical drama built around the character’s competitive nature.  However, I don’t find it uncalled for to expect a few more scenes directly involving the monster and the protagonist/s.  It would have raised the stakes a whole lot more.

The ending also leaves you asking a lot of questions.  It comes dangerously close to an intelligent metaphorical climax, but just barely falls flat in the logic department.  It’s not the worst ending I have ever seen, but it’s not an incredibly satisfying one either. 

You will also find that some of the dialogue is pretty stupid.

“He was wearing a big cloak red as a fire engine inside black as a woodchuck’s asshole outside and when it spread out behind him it looked like a god damn bat’s wing it did.” 

Looks like a fucking cloak to me...asshole.

You know from the bottom of your bleeding heart this movie was circa 1999 when you hear THIS come out of somebodies' lips.  “Somehow she tapped into a network of local law enforcement agencies with that computer of hers.”  She couldn't have just typed it into google.  No, it's a magic fucking box!  

That’s enough shooting the shit, now let’s suck this movie off.  I love it’s use of dark comedy to satirize the news and tabloid industry, painting everyone involved as a social bloodsucking parasite constantly looking for the new hot story to make more money with, screw the victims.  Merton Morrison, played by Dan Monahan from Porky’s fame, is the head of the Inside View and every time he enters a scene you are guaranteed some good old screwed up shenanigans.  My favorite scene with him is when he is talking to Dees over the phone, and blabs about how he hopes the Night Flyer kills more people, since it would aid in selling more papers.  And when Dees reports back that he will not have the story done as soon as Morrison would like, Morrison instigates his newest rookie reporter Katherine Blair, played by Julie Entwisle to compete with Dees by finishing the article before him.   What a schmuck.  But Morrison isn’t the only bad guy; all these characters are a bunch of assholes.  Which is interesting, since their actions still come off as fairly believable.  Within the first five minutes, Dees runs through the office of the Inside View, screaming in frustration that Morrison cut a photograph from the front page that he took of a dead infant.  This really shows you the kind of protagonist we are in for to ride this movie with.  He’s an insufferable prick who uses people to climb to the top.  But his motives are logical and self preserving.  He’s had a long career of tabloid writing to become this desensitized after all.  It doesn’t help that he’s even seen fellow reporters kill themselves, unable to cope with the harsh realities of the stories they report.  Without this great distance Dees puts between himself and his job, he probably wouldn’t have been in the game so long.  But on the other hand, if he only quit the reporting business long ago, he would not have met his horrifying and tragic end.

You wormy mother fucker.

All in all, I like this movie.  Though it has its share of bugs you'll have to look past, it still manages to entertain.  If you give it a look, you may be surprised at what you find.  It sure as hell isn’t the worst Stephen King adaption I’ve ever seen.

FYI, keep your eyes open for a million references to other Stephen King stories.  You know how much he loves to create a single world for all his horrors to occupy.

My Bloody Valentine Review

Happy Heart Day Humans. 

I gotta admit…I have been dreading writing this review.  I know how much of you love this movie, but for years every time I sat down to watch it I liked it a little less.  The pacing in the first half is slow, the killer isn’t that frightening or interesting looking (I mean, seriously, he is a miner in a gas mask) and the characters are unforgivably stupid.  But before you pull out your torches and pitchforks, let me just say that I recently popped in the legendary uncut version and it’s actually much better.  The special effects are awesome!  In a time where the innovation of making the innards of humans look real thrived, it confuses me how for almost three decades, the literal “meat” of this movie was buried under a pile of celluloid and the dreams of a begrudged director.   

The backwater mining town of Valentine Bluffs is under the murderous siege of Harry Warden, a gas masked pickaxe wielding heart ripping murderer who hates Valentine’s Day.  You see, back in the early 60’s, Harry and his fellow mining crew were killed in a methane gas explosion caused by the incompetence of the crew’s foreman.  This was because the town was holding its annual Valentines Day dance and he was in a rush to get to the party, leaving his post unattended.  Harry managed to stay alive down there for six weeks, eating the flesh of his co-workers.  But consuming your friends while rotting tens of feet below the ground makes humans go crazy apparently, and Harry was committed to a mental institution.  On the one year anniversary of Harry’s tragedy, he escaped and ripped out the heart of the reckless foreman responsible for the accident.  So the legend goes, he stalks the town on Valentines Day, ready to continue his horrible murder spree if anyone ever holds another Valentines celebration.  But now, twenty years later, the town of Valentine Bluffs is finally ready to try pissing on the electric fence and decide to hold another Valentine’s Day dance.  Predictably, the bodies pile up and the Mayor tries to cancel the dance.  But the local horny teenagers reject this reality and substitute it for their own by holding their own party, unbeknownst to the Mayor or the Chief of police, who work to capture the elusive Harry Warden.  All the while, a love triangle between a young girl named Sarah and her two potential lovers, T.J. Hanniger and Axel Palmer commences throughout the film. 

Before I get into what I don’t like, I want to emphasize the idea of a crazy killer whose motivation is to murder those who wish to openly celebrate Valentines Day is highly entertaining.  My initial dislike of this movie comes from a general exasperation I feel for the slasher genre.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good gore brigade as much as the next blood thirsty lusus naturae.  But too often, I find many of these movies are based around the stereotype of a masked, heavy breathing barbarian hacking up a bunch of sex crazed over medicated frat kids.  We’ve seen it before and we still do, constantly.  It’s difficult not to think of a million examples of the still living and breathing slasher genre.  Off the top of my head, I know of a few films currently in production, like the remake of the cult classic Maniac, as well as a couple new movies, (Hack/Slash, Chained and a 100 Bloody Acres).  A good slasher film generally incorporates a combination of an unsettling killer and atmosphere, a cleaver twist, the inclusion of likeable and annoying characters, and impressive special effects.  

First off, I don’t find gas masks scary.  This is because they tend to make me think of army/navy surplus stores.  When I think of a cleaver slasher mask, I think of the William Shatner white face worn by Michael Myers in Halloween.  The mask was eerie because it looked too synthetic to be human but still had the basic shape of a human face.  This was emphasized by the fact that it was painted pure white, taking away even more subtle nuances of a human face.  The end result was a face that looked vague and neutral.  When you saw Myers, you knew there was no discussion with this guy; he had his mind set on what he was going to do to you. I get why Harry Warden wore a gas mask, he was dressed in his old miner’s outfit.  It works, especially given the fact that the characters are all miners, making it ambiguous as to whether it really was Harry who was killing everyone.  But it always came off to me as a cheap alternative to creating an original face of fear.  Not bad, but it screams for a touch up. 

Despite this, the atmosphere in the movie is actually pretty good.  The mine is impressive and that has a lot to do with the fact that it was shot on location.  Also, the ending twist wasn’t bad at all.  It actually reminded me of the twist in Friday the 13^th, but I’ll leave that for you guys to decide for yourselves.  I am very happy to give these aspects a pass.  However, the behavior of the protagonist’s was so fucking stupid, I was unable to care what happened to the majority of them.  They get upset about the cancelation of the Valentine’s Day dance and they know about the threat of Harry Warden.  Still they decide to hold a party anyway, despite the warnings of the police chief Jake Newby.  To make matters worse, to impress their girlfriends, a bunch of the miners decide to take their girls down into the mine for a tour all the while drinking like a bunch of bloated grannies at a family reunion.  I enjoy a few chuckle headed idiots in my slasher films.  After all, it’s fun to generate that desire to see them kick the bucket.  But if all the characters behave like a bunch of dumb shits, the movie becomes predictable and I no longer care about their ensuing shenanigans.  This is really what bogs this movie down so much.  That, and the lack of special effects.

At least that is how I felt before watching the unrated version, released in the 2009 Lionsgate distributed DVD.  For those who don’t know, over 9 minutes of the film was cut out of it’s original version, leaving out a great deal of the gore and violence.  But without it, all that was left was a bunch of sloppy teenage drunks lining up on the slaughter house conveyor belt.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a purist more often than not and believe that once a movie is released, it should probably stay that way.  After all, what is a final cut if not the final version of a movie?  But now that this footage has been put back into the film the way the director initially intended, I can see how much better this was supposed to be in the first place.  Some of these special effects were so fantastic, it begs an explanation from the MPAA.  My favorite effect was the cadaver in the washing machine.  The differences between the theatrical and unrated versions are minimal, mostly a few extra close ups of the manikin.  But the body is so rotten and waterlogged, as if it had been shoved inside the machine the night before and put through a flesh melting spin cycle.  Those extra little touches really make all the difference when watching a film meant to show off the gore.  All I have to say is, awesome!

The censorship of this film was nothing more than pure unadulterated defamation to what could have been (and in 2009 hopefully did become) a staple of the genre for mainstream audiences.  Luckily, the film gained a strong cult following during its initial release.  Without the huge outcry of its fans we never would have the movie in its entirety like this.  Also the fact that the remake came out that year helped a lot to push this re-release, but we will chat about that movie later.  If you love a good slasher this is definitely a classic worth watching, but stick to the unrated version or else you are missing out.  There are some pretty grizzly moments to be had here.  Even I can get over my prejudices for the average slasher film while watching it, factoring in of course that My Bloody Valentine was one of the early ones, and therefore the learning curve the genre was going through make the flaws even more acceptable.  So long as you keep this in mind, you are in for an awesome ride.  So grab your box of chalk flavored sweet hearts, dim the lights and get your hands on a copy of My Bloody Valentine.  You won’t be disappointed.

By the way, I know you people will hate me if I don’t compliment this guy’s mustache…It is a fine mustache indeed.  And yes, he is the most sympathetic character in the movie.

Bongcheon Dong and Ok-Su Station Ghost Stories A.K.A. The 2011 Mystery Shorts

I hope you don’t plan on going to sleep anytime soon.  That is my job after all; to frighten you all into the piss puddle induced state of a creepy wo/man baby.  But tonight’s horror doesn’t come from yours truly.  Actually, this frightmare of a double feature is a series of pieces made by an artist from the Orient.

The Bongcheon-Dong and Ok-Su Station Ghost Stories are original comic strips written and animated by Studio Horang, a Korean writer/director/blogger who has managed to keep a pretty low profile on the internet circuit in the English speaking countries of the world.  Very little is known about the artist.  Many fellow internet creepers (like myself) have stated the artist’s name is Jong-Ho Choi, but they are all citing the blogger named Robot 6 as their main source (you can check out his stuff here).  As I write this, there is currently only one video on Horang’s youtube page, and it is a 46 second music video for the Korean band C-Kret (the opening of an anime maybe?  I don’t know.  I don’t watch a lot of that stuff...here is the link anyway http://www.youtube.com/user/StudioHORANG/videos).  Much like Horang, I was unable to find very much about C-Kret (however, you can find the vocalist, Gaya’s website at http://www.aragaya.net/ check it out.  That is, if you happen to know how to read Kanji).  Despite Horang’s incredible obscurity, he has made a huge splash in the digital cesspool that is the internet with his incredibly short and sweet horror series, the 2011 Mystery Shorts, consisting of the two horrifying ghost stories I am sharing with you tonight. 

These two horror stories, short as they are, are jam packed with Lovecraftian elements.  Specifically, they instigate the fear of a supernatural influence over an urban setting.  Bongcheon Dong is a housing division in Seul, South Korea and Oksu Station is an actual train line in the same city as Bongcheon Dong (probably the home town of Horang himself).  Not only that, but they introduce characters that are completely out of control of their current ghostly situation and unable to comprehend the horrors that await them until it is too late.  

As I stated before, I hope you were not planning on getting much sleep, because I guarantee that at least one of these two horrifying web comics will keep your eye lids glued to the tip of your scalp.  I am reluctant to give away too much information on these pieces other than they are very eerie and claim to be based on “true events”.  Horang manages to put the reader directly into the setting of the pieces within their first panels, as well as develop a very frightening mood, seemingly without an ounce of effort.

I mean, look at this.  Even out of context, this image is bound to haunt anyone’s nightmares. 

I fear that any more commentary I may be able to add would only detract from the experience of these nightmare inducing stories.  So without further ado, I present to you Studio Horang’s 2011 Mystery Shorts.  Read them and judge for yourselves just what makes these damn things so haunting.  I recommend beginning with the Bongcheon-Dong Ghost Story first.  Normally, I’d say save the best for last, but the Bongcheon-Dong Ghost Story really enhances the reading experience of the Ok-Su Station Ghost Story; forcing you to wonder what is going to happen in each on coming panel. 

You can read the Bongcheon-Dong Ghost Story with an english translation here:

http://comic.naver.com/webtoon/detail.nhn?titleId=350217&no=31&weekday=tue

And, of course, the Ok-Su Station Ghost Story with an english translation here:

http://comic.naver.com/webtoon/detail.nhn?titleId=350217&no=30&weekday=tue

I for one hope to see more from Horang, and anxiously look forward to the opportunity of sharing many more narcoleptic nights with his horrifying work.  I hope you feel the same as I do about these creepy fucking stories.  And as a very sexy woman once said while waving goodbye on the show Movie Macabre, until next time, "unpleasant dreams".